In Brightest Day, In Darkest Funk transcript

STRIP 1 (12/10/12)

This strip is scribbly and in pencil, never inked due to crummy paper. Three scraggly beings wearing gray uniforms with a crossed-out zero on them stand lackadaisically around the panel. One is humanoid; another looks like a giant snail, and the other is a one-eyed tentacle monster.

"We are the Gray Lantern Corps of Depression," they intone.

"None of us know why we bother," the snail adds.

Hal Jordan, the most famous Green Lantern, wields his power ring and heroically declares, "I shall stop you!"

He dives in, punching and heroically posing, but the Gray Lantern Corps make no moves to defend themselves. As the tentacle monster gets punched in the eye, it only says, "What's the point?"

"All life is misery," adds the humanoid.

"And then you die," the snail adds.

Hal Jordan's shoulders slump. His eyes fill with tears. His lower lip trembles.

He collapses to his knees and declares, "BAWW! I can't fight such sad, depressing people!"

"Hopeless," agrees the tentacle monster, its eye full of tears.

"Nihilism of the sooooooul," adds the humanoid.

"No point," the snail concurs.

Hal Jordan is defeated, on his knees and sobbing. The Gray Lanterns seem to take no pleasure in their victory.

"Wecome to the Gray Lantern Corps of Depression," they intone.

"Bummer," adds the snail.

STRIP 2 (12/11/12)

This strip is also scribbly and in pencil. A Guardian of the Universe approaches Guy Gardner, the least popular Green Lantern. "Guy," he says, "Hall has fallen to the Gray Lanterns of Depression. Bring him back; the fans are furious."

Guy looks unimpressed. "No prob, but... GRAY lanterns? What are they, light or dark? Can light even BE gray? This spectrum thing's getting ridiculous."

The Guardian puts a hand to his forehead. "They're... *sigh* shades. Values. Just... just get Hal, OK?"

Guy flies off. "Fine. Hope we don't lose Kyle to the Beige Lanterns of Mild Annoyance or whatever."

STRIP 3 (1/19/13)

This strip is on nicer paper, so inked with cross-hatching.

Guy arrives on the scene to find Hal boo-hooing into his hands on his knees, surrounded by his fellow Gray Lanterns. His uniform has changed from the Green Lantern symbol to the Grays (though, since this is a black and white comic, it's not visually apparent).

"Hal, snap out of it!" Guy cries.

The Gray Lantern Corps make no move to impede him. "Welcome to the Gray Lantern Corps," the sad-eyed tentacle monster says.

"You won't enjoy your stay," the snail adds.

Hal shakes his fists at an uncaring, amoral universe. "There is no Hal," he declares. "There is only misery and despair!"

"Yeah, and a tun of butthurt fans!" Guy says. He doesn't start punching any faces (an impressive achievement for him), but he doesn't seem in any hurry to start bemoaning either.

"There, there, Hal," the snail says.

Guy proffers some photos. "Here," he says, "they sent you nudie pictures."

Hal looks up with a look of tearful hope. "They did?"

He looks at the photos, but his expression remains leaden, and finally he throws them up in the air and screams, "I feel NOTHIIIING!"

He goes back to boohooing.

"Damn," Guy says, "this is serious."

"Don't cry, Hal," the tentacle monster says, "it's pointless."

"I would hug you, if I had arms," the snail says.

STRIP 4 (1/30/13)

This strip is also inked, with gray pencil now used to color the Gray Lanterns' outfits. (Guy's remains crosshatched.)

Hal Jordan hurls up his fists melodramatically and wails, "How could you possibly understand my suffering?"

Guy conjures up a power ring construct of a pill bottle of Prozac. "Christ, Hal, I've been on SSRIs since 1992!" He declares. "Plus anger management class.)

Hal clasps his hands with tearful puppy-dog eyes. "Really? You mean there's... hope?"

The Gray Lantern Corps moves into action to protect its interests, closing rank around Hal. "There is no hope," the tentacle monster insists. "There is only the unbearable pain of existence."

"The agony of impermanence," the humanoid adds.

"Dead kittens," the snail agrees.

"You shut up!" Guy snarls.

"It's okay Hal," the tentacle monster sneers. "He doesn't know any better."

"He lives a medicated existence," agrees the humanoid.

"Jerk," says the snail.

Guy gives up arguing, picks up Hal, and slings him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "C'mon," he says, "we're going to Mogo!"

"HELP!" Hal screams. "KIDNAPPING!"

He reaches for the other Gray Lanterns, but they just stand and watch.

"Sorry, Hal," says the tentacle monster.

"Our inertia is no match for him," says the humanoid.

"I feel so helpless," agrees the snail.