Rude Things to Ask Loony-Brain
Sneak: We do education on multiplicity, so we get asked a lot of questions. This is fine; the reason we educate is because our experience is so rarely talked about that we haven't found somebody else to do it as well as we feel that we can. We like answering questions about our world and our life! :D
Rogan: The problem comes when we get these ill-advised questions.
Sneak: The rude, offensive questions.
Rogan: The PAIN IN THE ASS questions.
Sneak: Now, if it was just once, it would be okay, because you know, people do that.
Rogan: The problem is, we get asked these questions over, and over, and over.
Sneak: We also get people on the total opposite side of the fence, people who are so scared of offending us that they won't ask anything. Which is almost as problematic, in a different way.
Rogan: So we're here to help! We're going to put all those ill-advised questions and their answers in one big post, and if anyone asks us them, we can just point them at this deviation. That way, our over-polite readers can find out what kind of questions piss us off, and which kind of questions are okay. And our readers who think these questions and really wish they knew the answer will know without having to actually badger us in person.
Sneak: So here it is! Ill-advised questions to ask a multi!
Question #1: Are you dangerous?
Rogan: If there was ever a question I wish I never had to answer again upon coming out, it would be "are you dangerous?" Gavin deBecker, in his book the Gift of Fear claims that is in fact a reasonable question, but I disagree with him.
Sneak: If you really wanted to get philosophical about it, just about anyone could be dangerous, in certain environments, and we're no exception to that. I mean, sure, I'd like to think that I'm a very nice person who would never hurt anybody, but then again, I've never really been put into a situation where I've had to.
Rogan: Exactly. This question is, in a way, impossible to answer. Really, people who ask this question want to know whether we'll attack somebody. The really frustrating thing is nobody asks this before we come out.
Sneak: For those of you who've never seen us in person, we don't "look" dangerous. We're five-foot-four, skinny, and we don't have a lot of upper body strength, though we have great cardiovascular health. If anything, I think this question says more about what people think is dangerous--we go from "young boy or young woman, not a threat" to "mentally ill person, possibly dangerous." That's a pretty big change!
Rogan: This question is ill-advised because it presumes that being multiple is dangerous, and something we have to disprove with our good behavior, even if you thought we were totally not dangerous for the years you knew us before. Now, popular media has a lot to blame for this--Jekyll and Hyde, Multiple Migs from Silence of the Lambs, things on this list here--but still, it's very annoying.
Sneak: So, in other words, would you have asked us this question before? No? Then please don't ask us it now.
Question #2: How do you have sex?
Sneak: I, luckily, never have to deal with this question, because I'm asexual and aromantic, which means I don't want to date or have sex with anyone. And I'm glad!
Rogan: I, on the other hand, get this question a lot, because I'm married to Mac, another system member. People apparently aren't very imaginative in their sex lives, if they have such a difficult time figuring out mine.
Sneak: Part of this is because I think people are fundamentally confused as to what being multiple is like for us. We're not one person who "switches modes," like how Singlet Joe goes to work and puts on his Working Personality, then comes home to his kids and puts on his Family Time Personality. We're many people who express ourself through one body, so that generally, you can only see one of us at a time.
Rogan: Our body is like a car. Just because you see one car doesn't mean there's only one person in the car. You just don't see them driving it.
Sneak: The analogy isn't perfect, but it's good enough for this. So just because you don't see me and Rogan at the same time doesn't mean we aren't interacting behind the scenes. He might be giving me a noogie, or talking to me, or making silly faces at you where you can't see it.
Rogan: On a more prurient level, I think a lot of people just think sex is interesting, and queer multi sex must therefore be very exotic and peculiar. Except here's the thing: I see my sex life as personal, and I don't feel comfortable talking to people about it. Maybe one day, a great multi sex educator will arrive on the scene, but that person ain't me. I will answer questions about my sex life to friends, but they rarely ask, because they usually figure it out on their own once they get to know me better.
Sneak: It's really not rocket science. People just act like it is.
Question #3: why do you hate the psych system?
Rogan: Arrrgh!
Sneak: For the record, we've been very lucky to have had a pretty good experience with the mental health industry. We've only been to one therapist, really, and we've been going to her for years because she's the right person for us. She has helped us through a lot of hard times, even when we couldn't afford to pay her, and we have a lot to thank her for!
Rogan: However, just because a member of the institution is amazing doesn't mean the institution is perfect. Far from it.
Sneak: Historically, the mental health industry has done a lot of problematic things, and still does. Now, just about all industries have done bad things, but the psych industry personally interacts with us, and we're more aware of it than most people.
Rogan: For instance, if Singlet Joe has a fight with his roommate, and his roommate says, "I'll get you institutionalized!" he can usually just laugh it off because he knows it will never happen. If a similar situation happens to us, and our hypothetical roommate knows we're multi, we actually can get pretty freaked out, because there's actually a snowball's chance in hell that this can happen. It's not much of a chance, but still.
Sneak: This isn't just a hypothetical thing for us. We've had an institutionalization scare twice. It never came to anything, but it's still really scary! We've known people--friends, acquaintances--who the mental health system has hurt. Naturally we're going to distrust it when it has the capacity to wield such power over us, and a history of misusing it.
Rogan: Though, here's our disclaimer: we actually support therapy. We think it is an immensely powerful tool when wielded properly, and though we've seen people really fucked over by the health system, we've seen far more who are at the mental equivalent of walking around on a broken leg, too afraid to go to a doctor. I should know, because I was one of them, having mental crashes every day, holding everything together pretty much through pure tenacity. Don't be that person. Please, find the therapist who works for you, if it's within your means.
Sneak: Rogan talks about this a lot more here.
Question #4: I know you asked me not to, but can't I call you a personality? I need to differentiate you from people...
Sneak: No, you may not call us personalities. We don't call you a personality; we call you a person. For some people, 'personality' might be okay, but it's not okay for us.
Rogan: Double ill-advised points if you have to have it explained to you more than once. I don't like being called a faggot, or a tranny. 'Personality,' in my mind, is just as offensive. So is 'part,' 'piece,' or god help me, 'fragment.' All those words are used to dehumanize me; I don't want to hear them.
Sneak: At the same time, we are totally okay with the word 'alter,' which other multiples have problems with. So it's a personal thing. When in doubt, ask which words are okay, and then use them.
Question #5: Are you going to seek integration/a cure?
Rogan: Of course not. Only sick people seek cures.
Sneak: I don't want a cure for being asexual, or for being neither a boy or a girl. Why should I want a cure for existing?
Rogan: Especially since the only "cure" I know for existence is to stop existing. Which means, you know. Dying.
Sneak: I don't want to die!
Rogan: Yeah, most people don't. And implying that we should is not going to get you on our good side.
Question #6: Can you prove you're multiple?
Rogan: No. Subjective experiences are intrinsically unprovable. Ask the gay people who stagger through decades of straight marriage before finally coming out.
Sneak: We've never been in for an MRI, and I don't know that it'd prove anything anyway. We've never gotten formally diagnosed, because it requires time, money, and would have such drawbacks as making us ineligible for a working holiday visa to New Zealand. (Which we liked having.)
Rogan: Can you prove that you're straight? Can you prove that you're singlet? Can you objectively prove that you're speaking to me right now? Come on, guys, don't be that person trying to unravel our universe; we don't go around unraveling yours.
Question #7: any question concerning the identity of our "host," "core," "original," or "real person"
Sneak: This one is problematic just because we don't have a host, core, or real person. Seriously. We don't. All of us can name when and why we came here; the most senior member of our system is Gigi, who came here around 2001/2002. Me and Rogan? March 8, 2004. Miranda? Spring 2005. Mac? March 2007.
Rogan: What's interesting to me is that singlets tend to assume that the host/core/whatever is the person speaking to them. Our front tends to cycle; Miranda held sway for a good chunk of '05, me and Sneak were the major hitters back in '07, and now it's mostly me and Mac, with the focus shifting towards Mac as he works a job for us. Nowadays, people assume I'm the real person, even though I've only been here for six and a half years and in my opinion, bear little resemblance to the girl who ran things way back in the day.
Sneak: If anything, it speaks to the assumptions a lot of singlets have that presumes that reality is what they interact with, and anything behind the scenes is less so.
Question #8: do the voices tell you to do bad things?
Rogan: This is in similar vein to the old classic, "are you dangerous?" Again, it presumes that being multi must be a frightening, difficult, bad experience.
Sneak: When really, it doesn't have to be. Sure, we have to deal with people being cruel or unintentionally hurtful because we're multiple, but on the whole, being multiple hasn't been nearly as hard as worrying about being multiple.
Rogan: Regardless, the best quick answer to this question is the one my husband Mac says, "I tell him to do naughty things, and possibly sinful things, but they're all very much good."
Question #9: what gender are you/how do you identify/are you a boy or a girl?
Sneak: This one isn't offensive so much as it is a complete brain-breaker. It's like walking up to an entire family of mixed genders, and asking them to say what gender all of them are.
Rogan: We are incapable of answering this question. We avoid it at all costs if we can't come out, because Jesus Christ, how can we decide? No matter what we say, we're disenfranchising the majority of our system! (We have two men, one woman, and two kids off the gender binary.)
Sneak: We mostly run into this really well-meaning question in singlet trans circles. It's normally a nice question to have, but unless we can come out, there's no good answer! We opt out when we can.
Rogan: If the question comes from children, I've developed the habit of replying with, "Sometimes I'm neither, sometimes I'm both. What do you think I am?" I also wrote a story about this problem here.
Question #10: OMG multis are so fascinating please let me learn all about you I've never met a multi before!
Sneak: This isn't a question, obviously, and it's not so much ill-advised or offensive as a little creepy.
Rogan: Imagine it this way. You are a black person walking down the street, when suddenly, this really perky white girl runs up to you, hugs you, and cries, "Oh my gosh, you're a black person, aren't you? I've never seen a black person before! Wow! This is amazing! Please, please let me know all about you!"
Sneak: I think a lot of people think this is a compliment, that they think we're so interesting, but really, it's kinda a little startling and weird. It's like we're not human beings so much as an exotic sideshow or something. Maybe we're just used to thinking we're more normal than we actually are, but just a, "Hi, I'm curious about multiplicity and you seem cool. May I watch you?" is plenty, really. You don't have to gush over us!
Rogan: At the same time, this particular behavior isn't a huge deal. It happens, and on the list, it's possibly the least obnoxious.
Sneak: Oh yeah, if you did this, don't beat yourself up. Just don't do it anymore!
Question #11: How can you identify as such-and-so if your body is a such-and-so?
Sneak: All of us get this question to one degree or another, mostly because we're lacking that "real person" we mentioned earlier. None of us match the body entirely. I'm young. Rogan's a boy--though if he's in the body that makes it a boy too, in my opinion, but a lot of people don't see it that way. Even Miranda, who's a cis girl and the right age, has pretty different facial features and an accent most people think sounds British.
Miranda: I don't know why. I'm from Texas!
Sneak: However, I notice people seem to have a much harder time with Rogan being a boy than they do with Gigi being ten years old, even though transgendered people are mentioned in pop culture but age-shifted people don't ever come up. I think it's interesting. Maybe people figure that every grown-up was a child once upon a time, but that being a different gender is some totally alien unfathomable thing.
Rogan: Again, this can be probably blamed on the singlet assumption that what they see and interact with is reality, and everything else is less real.
Sneak: In reality, we see ourselves very differently than our body. It doesn't control our age, gender identity, sexual orientation, or physical appearance. To go back to the car analogy: it's how we get around and interact with other cars, but it isn't us. We just try and make sure the car is in good repair and is comfortable for everyone to drive.
Question #12: will you have a sex change/get a penis?
Rogan: This one pretty much invariably comes to me, seeing as I'm the guy who fronts most and identifies as trans. It makes me cringe, for a myriad number of reasons.
Mac: First of all. What makes you think he doesn't have a penis? The body isn't him, remember. It's the car.
Rogan: Also, just because I'm a guy, why does that mean I would undergo invasive, expensive surgery with (to me) unsatisfactory results to get a corporeal penis? The things are smaller than your average guinea pig. They aren't that critical to everyone.
Mac: Also, he's been a guy since day one. What exactly would he be changing?
Rogan: You get it. It's an awkward, poorly worded question that seems oddly fixated on my genitals, for someone who's not intimately involved with me. But most of all, and probably the most jarring to me, is the presumption that I will completely ignore any gender or body concerns the rest of the system has purely out of my own dysphoria. I mean, seriously now, that would be incredibly arrogant and self-centered of me.
Miranda: That said, as a system, we have, through much discussion, debate, and compromise, agreed to make some modifications to our body and social interactions so Rogan will feel more at ease with our body and our social role. But in exchange, I demanded the concession that he will never seek an unambiguously male appearance. He can not legally change our name to Bill, grow a beard, and so on.
Rogan: So no, I am not "getting a sex change" or "getting a penis." I'm putting the body through a double mastectomy that I alone will undergo, possibly go on testosterone for a brief period, but that is it.
Question #13: why would you date a headmate when there are real people out there?
Rogan: So glad I have only found one person with the sheer jackholishness to ask this question, but I am positive other people have thought it at me and just been too polite to ask.
Mac: Now, if I were feeling punchy, I'd say that it's because I'm just so fantastic that nobody compares.
Rogan: But the reason I'm married to Mac is for the simple reason that I love him, we balance each other well, we've been through a lot, and I don't want anyone else. Period. He's not inferior to corporeal people. It causes some frictions in our relationship (for instance, we can't get away from each other if we're mad) but also some benefits--he sees me exactly as I am. No magical utopian relationship, no inferior freakshow. Just marriage.
Mac: And a wonderful, happy marriage it is, too!
Rogan: Seriously. I don't go around asking you why you date people of color when there are white people around, because it's really fucking rude. Don't ask me why I'd date the man I love.
Question #14: Wouldn't it be easier if there was only one... other around?
Sneak: No. Why would it be?
Rogan: Well, admittedly, the more people you have in one space, the more opportunities for conflict.
Sneak: Well, yeah, but you don't walk up to families and ask them if it wouldn't be easier if they only had one kid, instead of three. It's totally denigrating all the wonderful things that might come from having three kids! Especially when we aren't really suffering from our number.
Rogan: True. That is pretty problematic.
Sneak: I mean, it'd also be easier if you were straight, or if I was a girl. But I'm not, and you're not, and we're still happy, healthy people anyway. And I don't really appreciate the implication that we might want to, you know...
Rogan: Kill our family because it'd be 'easier'?
Sneak: Exactly!
Question #15: What is you/your body's sexual orientation?
Rogan: Again with the idea that the body is reality, and everything else less so!
Sneak: It's pretty tenacious, isn't it?
Rogan: Okay, guys, let's be clear about this. Our body is like a car. It is not an independent entity. It can't turn on the ignition by itself; it needs the driver to do that. Physical arousal has nothing to do with attraction, as any poor person who gets a boner in eight grade math class, or suffers an orgasm during rape, can attest. Attraction is a personal, mental thing.
Sneak: We all have different sexualities, except for me and Gigi, who are both straight-up asexual.
Rogan: And I'm mostly asexual--demisexual queer gay, if you want to get really technical about it.
Miranda: And I like men.
Mac: And I mostly like girls. And Rogan.
Rogan: You get it? Different all over the map. Our body and none of its system members ever had any attraction to women until Mac came here.
Sneak: Some argue that this means sexuality is a choice, and that by saying our body has no sexuality of its own, we're going queer people a mega-disservice. In my opinion, that's totally irrelevant. If some people can choose and some people can't, who cares? It doesn't give you any right to be mean to people. I mean, I might choose to convert to Judaism, but that doesn't mean it's okay to be anti-Semitic at me. It just means people are different!
Rogan: And so are we. That's our reality, as far as we can tell. That doesn't make it your reality, and that doesn't mean our reality can't change, but right now, this is what it is.
Question #16: What's your "real" name?
Rogan: I've had people ask me this before, and it gets old really quick. My real name is Rogan. Our real name is Loony-Brain or LB. What are you really getting at here?
Sneak: I guess people think that if they know our legal name, they'll know us better.
Rogan: Newsflash: you won't. Nobody, and I mean nobody calls us by that name anymore, except for our family, who we have either cut off or aren't out to, and a couple people who have known us for over a decade so haven't quite finished swapping our names over yet--and even then, they only use it to mean the group of us or before they figure out who's talking.
Sneak: Plus, we've had people use our legal name as a way to erase our identity. You know, like, "Oh, you might think you're Sneak Lee, but you'll always be so-and-so to me." It's like they're saying they know us better than we do. And that's pretty presumptuous!
Rogan: Plus it's just rude. Unless you are writing us a check, you have no reason whatsoever to know our legal name. So don't ask. If we're okay with you knowing, we'll tell you. It's not that hard to find out.
17. Isn't that schizophrenia?
Rogan: We have never gotten this question, but apparently a lot of other multiples do. To which I say-- *throws the DSM at you* READ A BOOK.
Sneak: I think this happens because people confuse the concept of "voices in your head" with "multiple people." I have always understood it--and keep in mind, we're not authorities on schizophrenia--that schizophrenics tend to perceive the voices as external. They are coming from somewhere else. With multiples like us, we perceive our voices as coming from within us. They aren't just voices; they're people, who follow specific behavior patterns.
Rogan: Furthermore, schizophrenia has many other different symptoms than just "voices in the head." It is incredibly short-sighted to equate the two things.
18. So you are basically a disease then?
Gigi: No. You have a disease. It is called Chronic Stupid, and it makes you say very rude things to people without thinking first. You should go to a doctor for that.
Rogan: Er, more politely speaking... we have just had to explain many times that multiplicity is not intrinsically bad, harmful, or causing nonfunctionality. Calling me, my life, and all the wonderful things I contribute to it a "disease" is rude as hell.
